I WANT to write…

but somehow, I think and think about it but never sit down and do it.  I have so many many thoughts swirling around in my mind lately, about God, parenting, homeschooling, cooking, environmentalism, jobs for my husband, moving this summer, family relationships….so much so that when I actually do sit down to write my brain just stalls out and I’ve got nothing.  And then there are so many people out there who write so much better than I can about the same topics, I feel like what’s the point?  I don’t think anyone is reading this anyways. 

I think I’ll take a nap instead.

Hello again, it’s me.

Well, I feel a little sheepish.  It’s been about 5 months since I last posted here.  I think of it quite often, but I’ve been finding that just the thought of sitting down and “composing” something publishable is overwhelming.  Have I mentioned I’m a perfectionist?  Well, I am – a stark raving crazy perfectionist, and I need to stop.  My children have been teaching me that.  So, I am going to attempt to write stuff here more often, even if it’s not perfect, because it helps me to process life and I would love to connect with anyone who might be interested in reading.

So what’s new, you ask?  Well, today, I’ve been reading a lot about Compassion’s work with their sponsored children in Uganda.  Two of my favorite bloggers are there right now and are writing about their experiences – I highly recommend checking them out.  (see BooMama and Rocks in my Dryer in my sidebar).  I have been extremely mindful lately of the fact that I have SO MUCH here in Canada – food, clothing, minivan, safe place to live, medical care – not to mention the more intangible and important things like salvation, hope, a purpose, the Holy Spirit’s guidance, etc.  It is always good to remember that many people don’t have any of those things that we so often take for granted.  So go read!

Anything else I could say seems unimportant by comparison…our baby just turned 5 months old (yes, already!), kids were sick last week, A. has started the internship portion of his program and is enjoying it for the most part, Happy Valentine’s Day, blah blah blah.  I’ll come back again another day with more thoughts but right now I think I’m inspired to write some letters to our sponsor kids.  See ya later!

It’s a girl!

Just popping in to say…we have a baby!  Our new addition was born Wednesday, Sept.12 at 11:54 pm.  It was a fast labor and delivery, and she was born at a healthy 7 lbs 11 oz.  We were both doing so well that we came home from the hospital Thursday evening, though my mother-in-law stayed to help out till Friday night.  I was so thankful for how it all worked out so well with our younger kids…originally the plan was to take them to the hospital with us when I was in labor and have A.’s mom meet us there, but as it turned out I knew I was in early labor already on Wednesday afternoon so she had time to come to our house instead.  That was a much better plan and so much less stressful for the kids – thanks God!

So far things are going well – it certainly is busy with three little ones, but other than being tired I am coping ok. I am learning to manage my time very precisely, and not waste a minute of precious “downtime” when all of them are sleeping or otherwise occupied.  I need to co-ordinate in advance just to get the dishes done or a load of laundry washed – everything takes so much planning!   I know it will get easier, because I remember feeling this same way when my second baby was born – but for now it’s all about juggling everyone’s routines!   I hope I can keep this up.

That’s all for now…I’m going to go rest for a while.  I’ll try to write again soon.

Who’s Jesus? (in ten words or less)

This Sunday at church, our 3-yr-old was eagerly waiting for the offering basket to be passed by so that he could put in “his” money.  This is our weekly tradition and, I think, his favorite part of sitting in the service with us.  I handed him a loonie and said, “Here, you can put this in the offering for Jesus.”

He turned around and excitedly scrutinized the usher holding the offering basket.  “Is that Jesus?”

Of course we laughed, and I told him No, Jesus is in heaven.  But I was struck by the inadequacy of this reply.  I felt like I ought to explain, to say that Jesus is always with us, that he’s in our hearts, but we can’t see him.  Something like this I did add, but it all seemed ridiculous from the concrete perspective of my son.  How can he be in heaven, and with us, and in our hearts (and what’s a heart, anyways?) all at the same time?

Now that he is starting to get to the age of asking questions about God and church, I am struggling with how to explain anything at all about the Bible and what we believe.  It seems inevitable, no matter how much explaining I do, that for several years to come his perception of who God is will be skewed, reduced to an important person whom we like to sing to a lot but never get to see.  I don’t want him to think that God is far away, but I don’t know how to make him understand his presence.   I want him to love God and trust him, but how does that look in real life when you’re 3?

Can anybody tell me how to explain Jesus in 10 words or less?

(BTW – No baby yet. Still waiting)

Still here :)

Well, I guess it’s about time that I posted a little update, just to let you all know that I’m still alive and have not totally given up on this whole blogging thing.  The past couple of months have been full of changes for our family…since the beginning of June, we have left Korea, spent a month with my in-laws, moved into our new townhouse, started learning our way around a new city, had a visit from my parents, completed the first semester of my husband A.’s 1-yr BEd program, started attending a new church…I guess that’s about all .  And, of course, I’m still pregnant with baby #3, due next Saturday or thereabouts, so there have been preparations for that, too. 

It’s not really the busyness, though, that has kept me from writing.  It’s my attitude.  I have been struggling a lot with emotional ups and downs in regards to my spiritual life, at times feeling so incredibly grateful for all that God has done for us and brought us through in the past few months, and at other times feeling miserably depressed and hopeless, especially in the face of all the challenges that having a new baby will bring.  Some days I haven’t felt up to living my life, let alone writing about it.  But I want to keep on sharing about what I am learning and the journey that God is taking me on, not only because it helps me process it but because I hope that, in some small way, someone will be encouraged by reading about God’s faithfulness to me.

So, a few of the highlights of my life from June to August 2007:

1) I was totally blown away by how God blessed us on our trip home from Korea.  I was so worried about the plane ride with the kids, and the travelling to Seoul before that, and really wanted to be able to be calm and patient with them (the exact opposite of the frantic, angry, exhausted person that I was on the trip out) – and God was so good!  Everything – and I mean every single detail, from being picked up by A.’s co-worker and taken to the bus station, to the timing of bathroom trips, to the finding of a free children’s playroom/nursery in the Seoul airport, to the kids sleeping on the plane – EVERYTHING was perfect.  I couldn’t have asked for an easier trip with two kids under 3. 

2) The same day we arrived home, we found out that a place had opened up in student family housing at the university that A. would be attending, and we had to decide to take it or not within 24 hrs.  Although the timing seemed bad at first (we had just gotten off the plane, pretty much, and would have to drive an hour from A.’s parent’s place to go and see it), we quickly realized that this was just another incidence of God’s amazing provision for us.  The place was nice, with 2 big bedrooms and a large living room for the kids to play in, and best of all, it was only a 15-minute walk to A.’s classes.  It was just within our price range, and would save us all the hassle of trying to find someplace on our own during the next month.  So we agreed to take it, and we have not regretted it.  After we moved in at the beginning of July, we realized even more how great this place is, and how we would never have been able to find anything this nice so close to campus on our own.

3) The moving of all our furniture out from storage was another big “stress” that God took care of so nicely for us!  Since it was stored in a different city, I was worried about finding a mover and whether everything would arrive safely.  But God used a good friend of mine to help us find an excellent “moving man” for almost $2000 less than what we were expecting to pay…which managed to cover the unexpected surgery that A. needed in June to remove his wisdom teeth!  (of course, with no insurance we had to pay out of pocket, but at least the money was there!)  And even the surgery was a blessing, (though the week before, when A. was waking up every night with terrible jaw pain, it didn’t seem like it) because he was able to get it over with before school started, and before the new baby, and we were still at his parent’s house so they could help me with the kids while he recovered.  It’s just amazing to me how the timing of everything has been working out so wonderfully. 

4) Finding a doctor for my pregnancy was yet another “burden” on my mind that I needn’t have carried…after calling around to several clinics and being told that none of them were taking new patients, I finally called the women’s hospital, who recommended a family clinic right here on the university campus – about a 10 minute walk from our house!  The doctor is wonderful, and the convenience of having it so close by is just another blessing, among many.  Though I have had to pay for my visits up until now, our 3-month waiting period was over as of Sept. 1 (Hooray!), so any further visits, and the birth of the baby, will be covered.  God is good.

5) Last but not least, I tested negative for Group B strep, which means that I won’t need antibiotics in labor to prevent baby from getting sick!  With my last pregnancy, I tested positive, and it was such a stress – my labor was too fast for them to give me the drugs, so they had to keep my daughter in the NICU for 24 hrs and give them to her instead.  But since she wasn’t really “sick”, they didn’t pay much attention to her, and I had a hard time getting them to let me feed her when I wanted to, etc.  So it is a big relief that this time around I won’t have to deal with any of that, especially since I’ll be giving birth in a new hospital with different policies.

With all of these blessings, you might wonder how it is that I could have felt too discouraged to write during the past few months.  I wonder that too.  In terms of our circumstances, things are going really great for us.  I think my main struggle is simply the fear that God will stop providing…that his blessings will run out and we’ll run out of money, or that I won’t be able to keep up with 3 children and that I’ll have a nervous breakdown, or that I won’t make any friends here this year and I’ll be lonely and exhausted.  It’s all these future fears – when I look at the present and the recent past, I have no reason to feel worried or sad at all.  So I guess that’s the big lesson that I’m learning…keep my eyes on what God is doing now, and trust that he will still be just as present, just as loving and just as faithful, when the now is 10 months from now. 

Or a week from now, when I might be giving birth to baby #3… 

Request denied

And I quote: 

“Thank you for your letter of March 29, 2007, concerning the wait period that new and returning residents are required to complete before qualifying for British Columbia health care coverage….

Your family’s request was reviewed by a Ministry of Health panel.  The panel took into account the reason for the request, but noted that the anticipated birth of a child does not automatically fall into the category of extenuating circumstances.   I must, therefore, advise that the request for a waiver of the wait period has been denied.  If you know the hospital where your child will be born, you may want to contact the accounts office to enquire about any payment options that may be available…” 

Sometimes I feel like God is stretching my faith much further than it ought to stretch, deliberately trying to break it.  Sometimes I feel like he is doing everything possible to get me to give up, turn away from him and sit down in despair.  Sometimes I feel like he must not really like me following him after all.  He chooses such a hard path, with so many twists and turns that he is often out of sight…is he trying to lose me?  Have I become too much of a burden?

These are the kind of cynical thoughts that come to my mind whenever I am faced with disappointment.  I know that the denial of our appeal concerning the 3-month waiting period for health insurance in BC is not the end of the world, but still I felt crushed when I read their response.  I had so hoped that God would work this out for us so that I could continue to see the doctor throughout my pregnancy without any hassle.  Not so, apparently.  If I need to see a doctor, there will be hassle – and a big invoice. 

This is not what I expected.  We have no choice but to simply pray and trust that I am going to make it through this pregnancy without complications, and that Number 3 won’t arrive before we get our health cards in September.  Private health insurance wouldn’t help - they won’t cover any costs related to pregnancy.  It seems like every possible earthly security I could trust in for this coming year – savings, insurance, a job for A. – are all being eliminated one by one.  A. will be in school full-time, without little to no income, while we use up our savings and accumulate more student loans – and I will be at home with 2 little ones, no health insurance and #3 ready to arrive anytime.  All of a sudden this doesn’t seem like such a great idea anymore. What have we gotten ourselves into?  Will God really provide for us this year, or are we just being foolish?

In spite of my doubts, I have to keep trusting in God’s goodness.  Not long ago, I was reading Hebrews 11 (the “heroes of the faith” passage), and was struck by this verse: “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” (Heb.11:6)  I have no trouble believing he exists, but believing in his goodwill towards me is an entirely different matter.  When I pray, I often brace inwardly for the worst, assuming that God’s main purpose is to sanctify me through suffering and that therefore he must want to make my life more difficult.  I have a hard time believing he really wants to reward me, and am genuinely surprised when my prayers are answered.  But this verse states quite clearly that believing in his love, compassion, kindness and goodwill is just as crucial to faith as believing in his existence.  It’s not enough to know he’s there and that he hears me, I have to believe that he really will do what’s best for me as well.

That’s tough when my circumstances don’t match what I think would be best.  But I’ll keep pressing on in my faith, even if I hear it cracking a little under the strain, because I believe God is good and that he loves me.  That is the only security I have.  Based on the experiences of the Hebrews 11 folks, that will be enough.      

Number 3

I can’t believe we’re really going to have 3 kids.

This fact really struck home about two weeks ago when Number 3 started kicking.  I felt that tiny little “pop” in my abdomen, and the first thing I thought was “Oh, man. It’s for real.  This is going to be a living, breathing, crying, needy person in only a few short months.  I’m not ready for this.”  Not in those exact words, but you get the picture.

Of course I know that the baby is already a living and needy little person and has been for some time…but up till now a rather quiet and invisible one.  It didn’t seem real until that first little poke.  “Hello, Mommy, here I am.  Growing and stretching and getting anxious to come out.  What’s going on out there?” As happy as I am that my son and daughter will have another little brother or sister to play with, I have to admit to feelings of ambivalence about shouldering the responsibility of another human being.  I am afraid that I am not a good enough mom to two, and that I ought to get that right before aspiring to parent three.  Doesn’t that seem reasonable?

This motherhood business is hard work.  Although I have gotten somewhat used to the never-ending-ness of it all, the constant cycle of feeding, dressing, washing, feeding, playing, disciplining, feeding, reading, comforting, feeding, etc. (did I mention feeding?) - I know that my attitude about it is not always what it should be.  Sometimes I am angry at my children for needing so much from me.  On bad days, when my three-year old screams at me and throws things and generally behaves like an untrained ape, I am afraid that maybe I don’t love him as much as a mother should.  And when my 1-year old wakes up at 5:30 am for weeks in a row, I wonder how cruel it is if I just leave her in her playpen and go back to sleep for another hour.  Adding another little person’s needs and problems and idiosyncrasies to this family scares me.  I don’t know if I can handle it.  In my own strength, in fact, I know for certain that I can’t.

But I also know that motherhood is where God wants me right now.  That he can equip me for every good work, including this impossible one of raising children.  That he is strong, and in control, and loving, and an ever-present help.  That although I am not perfect, and never will be, he will get both me and my children through this difficult stage and we will all be the better for it.  That it is not all my responsibility, or my husband’s, but that we share only the tiniest part of the burden of caring for our children, and that God is their true Father and the one who holds their lives in his hand.  He is their provider and ours, their protection and ours, their strength and ours.  I am a worker in the vineyard, but not the owner, and so I know that my responsibility is not too great to bear.

I know all this…now to put it into practice.  When I meet my beautiful Number 3 in a few months, I will choose not be afraid.  I will trust the Owner. 

The grass is always greener…

This week I am amazed at the irony of my own human nature.  For months I have hoped that we would be able to have our third baby back in Canada and be close to our families for a while, and now that we are making plans to do just that, I find myself getting all sentimental over Korea and not wanting to leave.  It’s like that line from the Joni Mitchell song: “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you got till it’s gone.”  Well, it’s not actually gone yet, but both A. and I are suddenly savoring everything about Korea that we will miss when we leave and feeling all nostalgic about the past few months here.  There are so many places in Daegu that we still want to visit, so many foods we haven’t tried….It’s so funny – once you realize how short the time is, you appreciate everything so much more. 

I think this applies to our spiritual lives as well.  It is easy to complain about all our struggles and hardships here on earth, to see only the negatives – but I wonder if I knew the day I was “leaving” this earth, would I appreciate my time here more?  Complaining has got to be one of my primary weaknesses – whether it’s out loud or just constant negative thoughts in my head, there’s always something I think is not right with my life.  God has been speaking to me about this lately, and I am realizing how much I miss out on of my life because I am too busy grumping.  How little I truly enjoy things in the moment, because I am worrying about the future or mulling over the past or wishing my life were different somehow.  If I continue on this way I am going to have a lot of regrets in heaven, a whole pile of missed opportunities to simply be happy and enjoy the life God has given me without wanting to change it somehow.  I need to accept my present circumstances and not always be waiting for that mystic day in the future where everything will be ”better” than it is now….does that day ever really come?  I doubt it.  But somehow I keep on waiting, saving up my joy for when my life is perfect instead of enjoying things now…how ridiculous!

One example is my relationship with my son.  He’s 3 and has been a real handful for about half of his short life.  I have realized lately how often I brush him off, try to get him occupied without me, and count the hours till bedtime, instead of enjoying this time when he is little and wants to do things with me.  If I really understood how short my time with him will be, I don’t think I would do those things…I’d savor the attention he gives me and not get frustrated so easily.  I am trying to work on this, to make him the priority instead of the interruption.  I need my mind to be transformed, I really do (Romans 12:2).  And I need to get off the computer!  See you later, then!       

  

Making prayer a priority

During the past 7 months here in Korea, God has taught me a lot of things, but one of the most significant has been the joy of intercessory prayer.  The stressful circumstances of moving and adapting to a foreign country certainly drove me at first to pray more fervently for myself and my own family, but lately I have been surprised by the newfound sense of purpose and satisfaction that I have experienced by praying for others as well. 

A few months after our arrival, once we were settled in our home here, I found myself with little to do.  Being at home with the kids all day, without a vehicle to tempt me out of the house, and with the kids still taking long afternoon naps and going to bed early while my husband worked late, I found myself with more free hours to myself during the day than ever before.  I quickly became bored and frustrated, and asked God why on earth he brought me to Korea to see nothing but the inside of our apartment.   I felt like I had no purpose, no ministry outside of the home, no significance.  But God opened my eyes to the fact that those 4-5 hours a day of peace and quiet in my home was an unprecedented gift to me – an opportunity to spend more time with Him and more time in prayer.

I have to admit that I have not always taken full advantage of this opportunity the way I should have.  I have spent far too much time napping, surfing the internet and reading blogs.  But on the positive side, I have also been much more consistent with doing my devotions, and consequently with praying for others I know are in need.  There have been many big events and changes in the lives of my family and friends back home this year - everything from major illnesses to moving to weddings to babies being born to new careers, etc etc, and being so far away I felt helpless to do anything for them.  But in a way, even my helplessness has been a gift, because it has reminded me to do what is most important, and that is lifting them up before the throne of grace in heaven.  If I were physically present with them, I could do many things – cook meals, visit, bring gifts, call them up to talk, etc.  But in the midst of all that “doing” I might forget to pray for them, thinking I had done my part to help them, when really it is only God who can give the true comfort, encouragement and guidance that we all need during stressful times.  God has used my “boredom” to remind me powerfully of the importance of prayer, that we all need much more of it than we think, and that the best use of our time is to talk to Him about all the needs we see around us.  He can take care of them much better than we can.

 “As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by failing to pray for you…” 1 Samuel 12:23

Stepping Out

Well, it has been a few days since my last post, and a lot has happened.  We decided not to go for the job in Nicaragua.  There were a lot of reasons why, here’s just a few:

- We had no particularly strong attachment to Nicaragua and I felt awkward about raising financial support for something we weren’t sure we were called to do.

- We didn’t want to have the baby so far away from our parents – my parents especially would not likely have been able to see him/her for months, if not a year or more.

- We want our kids to be near their grandparents and have a relationship with them before they get too big.

- I didn’t think I could handle going from one foreign country to another with only a month in Canada to prepare, all while super-pregnant.

- The job in Nicaragua still wouldn’t help A. get a job in Canada…and we don’t want to live overseas forever (though we don’t discount the possibility of doing it again sometime).

- Most importantly, we just didn’t feel God’s peace in our hearts about it.  It was all turmoil and stress and trying to figure out how it could all work – it just seemed like we were forcing it too much and there were too many obstacles.  On the other hand, A.and I both feel that we need to go back to Canada, and we are trusting God in faith that he is going to be accepted to UBC.  

So we are making plans to that end.  A.’s last day of work in Korea will be May 31st, and we plan to fly to Vancouver the first week or two of June.  We are going to see a travel agent tomorrow and may book our tickets then if they have a good deal.  If he has been accepted to the BEd program, wonderful!  He will start in July and we will have had a month to look for an apartment and get a bit settled.  If not, well then he will look for a job, with much better chances of finding something than he has if we stay here!  Besides, I can’t fly internationally any later than July anyways, we would have to go somewhere unless we were to stay here another year…which is not the best thing for our family.  Our three-year-old needs friends who speak English.  I need friends who speak English.  We all miss our families, and need their support especially now that we’re expecting again.

So that’s that.  I feel good about this decision.  It is still stressful, planning the trip home and not knowing how all the details will be worked out, but it’s a confident stress, if that makes any sense.  I am confident that God will look after us in this and be with us every step of the way.  With Nicaragua, I just didn’t have that sense of reassurance.  Am I relying too much on my feelings?  Well…maybe.  But I try to involve my head too.

I have noticed a pattern in my life the last few years, that we have to pick a direction and start acting on it before God really confirms that it’s the right thing to do.  It was the same thing coming here to Korea – A. had given notice at his job and we were trying to give away our cat and start packing up the house, all before he had even accepted a job here.  We just felt it was the right thing for us and that God would provide the job, and he did!  And then He confirmed it was the right decision by so many little “miracles” along the way.  With the end of our time here now in sight, I am trying to discern what the purpose was in bringing us here…but I think that will be another post.  Till next time, then…