Number 3

I can’t believe we’re really going to have 3 kids.

This fact really struck home about two weeks ago when Number 3 started kicking.  I felt that tiny little “pop” in my abdomen, and the first thing I thought was “Oh, man. It’s for real.  This is going to be a living, breathing, crying, needy person in only a few short months.  I’m not ready for this.”  Not in those exact words, but you get the picture.

Of course I know that the baby is already a living and needy little person and has been for some time…but up till now a rather quiet and invisible one.  It didn’t seem real until that first little poke.  “Hello, Mommy, here I am.  Growing and stretching and getting anxious to come out.  What’s going on out there?” As happy as I am that my son and daughter will have another little brother or sister to play with, I have to admit to feelings of ambivalence about shouldering the responsibility of another human being.  I am afraid that I am not a good enough mom to two, and that I ought to get that right before aspiring to parent three.  Doesn’t that seem reasonable?

This motherhood business is hard work.  Although I have gotten somewhat used to the never-ending-ness of it all, the constant cycle of feeding, dressing, washing, feeding, playing, disciplining, feeding, reading, comforting, feeding, etc. (did I mention feeding?) - I know that my attitude about it is not always what it should be.  Sometimes I am angry at my children for needing so much from me.  On bad days, when my three-year old screams at me and throws things and generally behaves like an untrained ape, I am afraid that maybe I don’t love him as much as a mother should.  And when my 1-year old wakes up at 5:30 am for weeks in a row, I wonder how cruel it is if I just leave her in her playpen and go back to sleep for another hour.  Adding another little person’s needs and problems and idiosyncrasies to this family scares me.  I don’t know if I can handle it.  In my own strength, in fact, I know for certain that I can’t.

But I also know that motherhood is where God wants me right now.  That he can equip me for every good work, including this impossible one of raising children.  That he is strong, and in control, and loving, and an ever-present help.  That although I am not perfect, and never will be, he will get both me and my children through this difficult stage and we will all be the better for it.  That it is not all my responsibility, or my husband’s, but that we share only the tiniest part of the burden of caring for our children, and that God is their true Father and the one who holds their lives in his hand.  He is their provider and ours, their protection and ours, their strength and ours.  I am a worker in the vineyard, but not the owner, and so I know that my responsibility is not too great to bear.

I know all this…now to put it into practice.  When I meet my beautiful Number 3 in a few months, I will choose not be afraid.  I will trust the Owner. 

The grass is always greener…

This week I am amazed at the irony of my own human nature.  For months I have hoped that we would be able to have our third baby back in Canada and be close to our families for a while, and now that we are making plans to do just that, I find myself getting all sentimental over Korea and not wanting to leave.  It’s like that line from the Joni Mitchell song: “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you got till it’s gone.”  Well, it’s not actually gone yet, but both A. and I are suddenly savoring everything about Korea that we will miss when we leave and feeling all nostalgic about the past few months here.  There are so many places in Daegu that we still want to visit, so many foods we haven’t tried….It’s so funny – once you realize how short the time is, you appreciate everything so much more. 

I think this applies to our spiritual lives as well.  It is easy to complain about all our struggles and hardships here on earth, to see only the negatives – but I wonder if I knew the day I was “leaving” this earth, would I appreciate my time here more?  Complaining has got to be one of my primary weaknesses – whether it’s out loud or just constant negative thoughts in my head, there’s always something I think is not right with my life.  God has been speaking to me about this lately, and I am realizing how much I miss out on of my life because I am too busy grumping.  How little I truly enjoy things in the moment, because I am worrying about the future or mulling over the past or wishing my life were different somehow.  If I continue on this way I am going to have a lot of regrets in heaven, a whole pile of missed opportunities to simply be happy and enjoy the life God has given me without wanting to change it somehow.  I need to accept my present circumstances and not always be waiting for that mystic day in the future where everything will be ”better” than it is now….does that day ever really come?  I doubt it.  But somehow I keep on waiting, saving up my joy for when my life is perfect instead of enjoying things now…how ridiculous!

One example is my relationship with my son.  He’s 3 and has been a real handful for about half of his short life.  I have realized lately how often I brush him off, try to get him occupied without me, and count the hours till bedtime, instead of enjoying this time when he is little and wants to do things with me.  If I really understood how short my time with him will be, I don’t think I would do those things…I’d savor the attention he gives me and not get frustrated so easily.  I am trying to work on this, to make him the priority instead of the interruption.  I need my mind to be transformed, I really do (Romans 12:2).  And I need to get off the computer!  See you later, then!