I can’t believe we’re really going to have 3 kids.

This fact really struck home about two weeks ago when Number 3 started kicking.  I felt that tiny little “pop” in my abdomen, and the first thing I thought was “Oh, man. It’s for real.  This is going to be a living, breathing, crying, needy person in only a few short months.  I’m not ready for this.”  Not in those exact words, but you get the picture.

Of course I know that the baby is already a living and needy little person and has been for some time…but up till now a rather quiet and invisible one.  It didn’t seem real until that first little poke.  “Hello, Mommy, here I am.  Growing and stretching and getting anxious to come out.  What’s going on out there?” As happy as I am that my son and daughter will have another little brother or sister to play with, I have to admit to feelings of ambivalence about shouldering the responsibility of another human being.  I am afraid that I am not a good enough mom to two, and that I ought to get that right before aspiring to parent three.  Doesn’t that seem reasonable?

This motherhood business is hard work.  Although I have gotten somewhat used to the never-ending-ness of it all, the constant cycle of feeding, dressing, washing, feeding, playing, disciplining, feeding, reading, comforting, feeding, etc. (did I mention feeding?) - I know that my attitude about it is not always what it should be.  Sometimes I am angry at my children for needing so much from me.  On bad days, when my three-year old screams at me and throws things and generally behaves like an untrained ape, I am afraid that maybe I don’t love him as much as a mother should.  And when my 1-year old wakes up at 5:30 am for weeks in a row, I wonder how cruel it is if I just leave her in her playpen and go back to sleep for another hour.  Adding another little person’s needs and problems and idiosyncrasies to this family scares me.  I don’t know if I can handle it.  In my own strength, in fact, I know for certain that I can’t.

But I also know that motherhood is where God wants me right now.  That he can equip me for every good work, including this impossible one of raising children.  That he is strong, and in control, and loving, and an ever-present help.  That although I am not perfect, and never will be, he will get both me and my children through this difficult stage and we will all be the better for it.  That it is not all my responsibility, or my husband’s, but that we share only the tiniest part of the burden of caring for our children, and that God is their true Father and the one who holds their lives in his hand.  He is their provider and ours, their protection and ours, their strength and ours.  I am a worker in the vineyard, but not the owner, and so I know that my responsibility is not too great to bear.

I know all this…now to put it into practice.  When I meet my beautiful Number 3 in a few months, I will choose not be afraid.  I will trust the Owner.