And I quote: 

“Thank you for your letter of March 29, 2007, concerning the wait period that new and returning residents are required to complete before qualifying for British Columbia health care coverage….

Your family’s request was reviewed by a Ministry of Health panel.  The panel took into account the reason for the request, but noted that the anticipated birth of a child does not automatically fall into the category of extenuating circumstances.   I must, therefore, advise that the request for a waiver of the wait period has been denied.  If you know the hospital where your child will be born, you may want to contact the accounts office to enquire about any payment options that may be available…” 

Sometimes I feel like God is stretching my faith much further than it ought to stretch, deliberately trying to break it.  Sometimes I feel like he is doing everything possible to get me to give up, turn away from him and sit down in despair.  Sometimes I feel like he must not really like me following him after all.  He chooses such a hard path, with so many twists and turns that he is often out of sight…is he trying to lose me?  Have I become too much of a burden?

These are the kind of cynical thoughts that come to my mind whenever I am faced with disappointment.  I know that the denial of our appeal concerning the 3-month waiting period for health insurance in BC is not the end of the world, but still I felt crushed when I read their response.  I had so hoped that God would work this out for us so that I could continue to see the doctor throughout my pregnancy without any hassle.  Not so, apparently.  If I need to see a doctor, there will be hassle – and a big invoice. 

This is not what I expected.  We have no choice but to simply pray and trust that I am going to make it through this pregnancy without complications, and that Number 3 won’t arrive before we get our health cards in September.  Private health insurance wouldn’t help - they won’t cover any costs related to pregnancy.  It seems like every possible earthly security I could trust in for this coming year – savings, insurance, a job for A. – are all being eliminated one by one.  A. will be in school full-time, without little to no income, while we use up our savings and accumulate more student loans – and I will be at home with 2 little ones, no health insurance and #3 ready to arrive anytime.  All of a sudden this doesn’t seem like such a great idea anymore. What have we gotten ourselves into?  Will God really provide for us this year, or are we just being foolish?

In spite of my doubts, I have to keep trusting in God’s goodness.  Not long ago, I was reading Hebrews 11 (the “heroes of the faith” passage), and was struck by this verse: “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” (Heb.11:6)  I have no trouble believing he exists, but believing in his goodwill towards me is an entirely different matter.  When I pray, I often brace inwardly for the worst, assuming that God’s main purpose is to sanctify me through suffering and that therefore he must want to make my life more difficult.  I have a hard time believing he really wants to reward me, and am genuinely surprised when my prayers are answered.  But this verse states quite clearly that believing in his love, compassion, kindness and goodwill is just as crucial to faith as believing in his existence.  It’s not enough to know he’s there and that he hears me, I have to believe that he really will do what’s best for me as well.

That’s tough when my circumstances don’t match what I think would be best.  But I’ll keep pressing on in my faith, even if I hear it cracking a little under the strain, because I believe God is good and that he loves me.  That is the only security I have.  Based on the experiences of the Hebrews 11 folks, that will be enough.