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Well, I guess it’s about time that I posted a little update, just to let you all know that I’m still alive and have not totally given up on this whole blogging thing. The past couple of months have been full of changes for our family…since the beginning of June, we have left Korea, spent a month with my in-laws, moved into our new townhouse, started learning our way around a new city, had a visit from my parents, completed the first semester of my husband A.’s 1-yr BEd program, started attending a new church…I guess that’s about all 
. And, of course, I’m still pregnant with baby #3, due next Saturday or thereabouts, so there have been preparations for that, too.
It’s not really the busyness, though, that has kept me from writing. It’s my attitude. I have been struggling a lot with emotional ups and downs in regards to my spiritual life, at times feeling so incredibly grateful for all that God has done for us and brought us through in the past few months, and at other times feeling miserably depressed and hopeless, especially in the face of all the challenges that having a new baby will bring. Some days I haven’t felt up to living my life, let alone writing about it. But I want to keep on sharing about what I am learning and the journey that God is taking me on, not only because it helps me process it but because I hope that, in some small way, someone will be encouraged by reading about God’s faithfulness to me.
So, a few of the highlights of my life from June to August 2007:
1) I was totally blown away by how God blessed us on our trip home from Korea. I was so worried about the plane ride with the kids, and the travelling to Seoul before that, and really wanted to be able to be calm and patient with them (the exact opposite of the frantic, angry, exhausted person that I was on the trip out) – and God was so good! Everything – and I mean every single detail, from being picked up by A.’s co-worker and taken to the bus station, to the timing of bathroom trips, to the finding of a free children’s playroom/nursery in the Seoul airport, to the kids sleeping on the plane – EVERYTHING was perfect. I couldn’t have asked for an easier trip with two kids under 3.
2) The same day we arrived home, we found out that a place had opened up in student family housing at the university that A. would be attending, and we had to decide to take it or not within 24 hrs. Although the timing seemed bad at first (we had just gotten off the plane, pretty much, and would have to drive an hour from A.’s parent’s place to go and see it), we quickly realized that this was just another incidence of God’s amazing provision for us. The place was nice, with 2 big bedrooms and a large living room for the kids to play in, and best of all, it was only a 15-minute walk to A.’s classes. It was just within our price range, and would save us all the hassle of trying to find someplace on our own during the next month. So we agreed to take it, and we have not regretted it. After we moved in at the beginning of July, we realized even more how great this place is, and how we would never have been able to find anything this nice so close to campus on our own.
3) The moving of all our furniture out from storage was another big “stress” that God took care of so nicely for us! Since it was stored in a different city, I was worried about finding a mover and whether everything would arrive safely. But God used a good friend of mine to help us find an excellent “moving man” for almost $2000 less than what we were expecting to pay…which managed to cover the unexpected surgery that A. needed in June to remove his wisdom teeth! (of course, with no insurance we had to pay out of pocket, but at least the money was there!) And even the surgery was a blessing, (though the week before, when A. was waking up every night with terrible jaw pain, it didn’t seem like it) because he was able to get it over with before school started, and before the new baby, and we were still at his parent’s house so they could help me with the kids while he recovered. It’s just amazing to me how the timing of everything has been working out so wonderfully.
4) Finding a doctor for my pregnancy was yet another “burden” on my mind that I needn’t have carried…after calling around to several clinics and being told that none of them were taking new patients, I finally called the women’s hospital, who recommended a family clinic right here on the university campus – about a 10 minute walk from our house! The doctor is wonderful, and the convenience of having it so close by is just another blessing, among many. Though I have had to pay for my visits up until now, our 3-month waiting period was over as of Sept. 1 (Hooray!), so any further visits, and the birth of the baby, will be covered. God is good.
5) Last but not least, I tested negative for Group B strep, which means that I won’t need antibiotics in labor to prevent baby from getting sick! With my last pregnancy, I tested positive, and it was such a stress – my labor was too fast for them to give me the drugs, so they had to keep my daughter in the NICU for 24 hrs and give them to her instead. But since she wasn’t really “sick”, they didn’t pay much attention to her, and I had a hard time getting them to let me feed her when I wanted to, etc. So it is a big relief that this time around I won’t have to deal with any of that, especially since I’ll be giving birth in a new hospital with different policies.
With all of these blessings, you might wonder how it is that I could have felt too discouraged to write during the past few months. I wonder that too. In terms of our circumstances, things are going really great for us. I think my main struggle is simply the fear that God will stop providing…that his blessings will run out and we’ll run out of money, or that I won’t be able to keep up with 3 children and that I’ll have a nervous breakdown, or that I won’t make any friends here this year and I’ll be lonely and exhausted. It’s all these future fears – when I look at the present and the recent past, I have no reason to feel worried or sad at all. So I guess that’s the big lesson that I’m learning…keep my eyes on what God is doing now, and trust that he will still be just as present, just as loving and just as faithful, when the now is 10 months from now.
Or a week from now, when I might be giving birth to baby #3…
And I quote:
“Thank you for your letter of March 29, 2007, concerning the wait period that new and returning residents are required to complete before qualifying for British Columbia health care coverage….
Your family’s request was reviewed by a Ministry of Health panel. The panel took into account the reason for the request, but noted that the anticipated birth of a child does not automatically fall into the category of extenuating circumstances. I must, therefore, advise that the request for a waiver of the wait period has been denied. If you know the hospital where your child will be born, you may want to contact the accounts office to enquire about any payment options that may be available…”
Sometimes I feel like God is stretching my faith much further than it ought to stretch, deliberately trying to break it. Sometimes I feel like he is doing everything possible to get me to give up, turn away from him and sit down in despair. Sometimes I feel like he must not really like me following him after all. He chooses such a hard path, with so many twists and turns that he is often out of sight…is he trying to lose me? Have I become too much of a burden?
These are the kind of cynical thoughts that come to my mind whenever I am faced with disappointment. I know that the denial of our appeal concerning the 3-month waiting period for health insurance in BC is not the end of the world, but still I felt crushed when I read their response. I had so hoped that God would work this out for us so that I could continue to see the doctor throughout my pregnancy without any hassle. Not so, apparently. If I need to see a doctor, there will be hassle – and a big invoice.
This is not what I expected. We have no choice but to simply pray and trust that I am going to make it through this pregnancy without complications, and that Number 3 won’t arrive before we get our health cards in September. Private health insurance wouldn’t help - they won’t cover any costs related to pregnancy. It seems like every possible earthly security I could trust in for this coming year – savings, insurance, a job for A. – are all being eliminated one by one. A. will be in school full-time, without little to no income, while we use up our savings and accumulate more student loans – and I will be at home with 2 little ones, no health insurance and #3 ready to arrive anytime. All of a sudden this doesn’t seem like such a great idea anymore. What have we gotten ourselves into? Will God really provide for us this year, or are we just being foolish?
In spite of my doubts, I have to keep trusting in God’s goodness. Not long ago, I was reading Hebrews 11 (the “heroes of the faith” passage), and was struck by this verse: “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” (Heb.11:6) I have no trouble believing he exists, but believing in his goodwill towards me is an entirely different matter. When I pray, I often brace inwardly for the worst, assuming that God’s main purpose is to sanctify me through suffering and that therefore he must want to make my life more difficult. I have a hard time believing he really wants to reward me, and am genuinely surprised when my prayers are answered. But this verse states quite clearly that believing in his love, compassion, kindness and goodwill is just as crucial to faith as believing in his existence. It’s not enough to know he’s there and that he hears me, I have to believe that he really will do what’s best for me as well.
That’s tough when my circumstances don’t match what I think would be best. But I’ll keep pressing on in my faith, even if I hear it cracking a little under the strain, because I believe God is good and that he loves me. That is the only security I have. Based on the experiences of the Hebrews 11 folks, that will be enough.
During the past 7 months here in Korea, God has taught me a lot of things, but one of the most significant has been the joy of intercessory prayer. The stressful circumstances of moving and adapting to a foreign country certainly drove me at first to pray more fervently for myself and my own family, but lately I have been surprised by the newfound sense of purpose and satisfaction that I have experienced by praying for others as well.
A few months after our arrival, once we were settled in our home here, I found myself with little to do. Being at home with the kids all day, without a vehicle to tempt me out of the house, and with the kids still taking long afternoon naps and going to bed early while my husband worked late, I found myself with more free hours to myself during the day than ever before. I quickly became bored and frustrated, and asked God why on earth he brought me to Korea to see nothing but the inside of our apartment. I felt like I had no purpose, no ministry outside of the home, no significance. But God opened my eyes to the fact that those 4-5 hours a day of peace and quiet in my home was an unprecedented gift to me – an opportunity to spend more time with Him and more time in prayer.
I have to admit that I have not always taken full advantage of this opportunity the way I should have. I have spent far too much time napping, surfing the internet and reading blogs. But on the positive side, I have also been much more consistent with doing my devotions, and consequently with praying for others I know are in need. There have been many big events and changes in the lives of my family and friends back home this year - everything from major illnesses to moving to weddings to babies being born to new careers, etc etc, and being so far away I felt helpless to do anything for them. But in a way, even my helplessness has been a gift, because it has reminded me to do what is most important, and that is lifting them up before the throne of grace in heaven. If I were physically present with them, I could do many things – cook meals, visit, bring gifts, call them up to talk, etc. But in the midst of all that “doing” I might forget to pray for them, thinking I had done my part to help them, when really it is only God who can give the true comfort, encouragement and guidance that we all need during stressful times. God has used my “boredom” to remind me powerfully of the importance of prayer, that we all need much more of it than we think, and that the best use of our time is to talk to Him about all the needs we see around us. He can take care of them much better than we can.
“As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by failing to pray for you…” 1 Samuel 12:23
Well, it has been a few days since my last post, and a lot has happened. We decided not to go for the job in Nicaragua. There were a lot of reasons why, here’s just a few:
- We had no particularly strong attachment to Nicaragua and I felt awkward about raising financial support for something we weren’t sure we were called to do.
- We didn’t want to have the baby so far away from our parents – my parents especially would not likely have been able to see him/her for months, if not a year or more.
- We want our kids to be near their grandparents and have a relationship with them before they get too big.
- I didn’t think I could handle going from one foreign country to another with only a month in Canada to prepare, all while super-pregnant.
- The job in Nicaragua still wouldn’t help A. get a job in Canada…and we don’t want to live overseas forever (though we don’t discount the possibility of doing it again sometime).
- Most importantly, we just didn’t feel God’s peace in our hearts about it. It was all turmoil and stress and trying to figure out how it could all work – it just seemed like we were forcing it too much and there were too many obstacles. On the other hand, A.and I both feel that we need to go back to Canada, and we are trusting God in faith that he is going to be accepted to UBC.
So we are making plans to that end. A.’s last day of work in Korea will be May 31st, and we plan to fly to Vancouver the first week or two of June. We are going to see a travel agent tomorrow and may book our tickets then if they have a good deal. If he has been accepted to the BEd program, wonderful! He will start in July and we will have had a month to look for an apartment and get a bit settled. If not, well then he will look for a job, with much better chances of finding something than he has if we stay here! Besides, I can’t fly internationally any later than July anyways, we would have to go somewhere unless we were to stay here another year…which is not the best thing for our family. Our three-year-old needs friends who speak English. I need friends who speak English. We all miss our families, and need their support especially now that we’re expecting again.
So that’s that. I feel good about this decision. It is still stressful, planning the trip home and not knowing how all the details will be worked out, but it’s a confident stress, if that makes any sense. I am confident that God will look after us in this and be with us every step of the way. With Nicaragua, I just didn’t have that sense of reassurance. Am I relying too much on my feelings? Well…maybe. But I try to involve my head too.
I have noticed a pattern in my life the last few years, that we have to pick a direction and start acting on it before God really confirms that it’s the right thing to do. It was the same thing coming here to Korea – A. had given notice at his job and we were trying to give away our cat and start packing up the house, all before he had even accepted a job here. We just felt it was the right thing for us and that God would provide the job, and he did! And then He confirmed it was the right decision by so many little “miracles” along the way. With the end of our time here now in sight, I am trying to discern what the purpose was in bringing us here…but I think that will be another post. Till next time, then…
My husband A. and I are on the verge of some major, life-altering decisions this week. We have prayed, and discussed, and discussed with other people, and prayed some more….but so far, we’re still undecided. As a result, I have been thinking a lot about how to know God’s will for our life – his “specific” will, not his general will outlined for all believers in the Bible. And then I wonder if the specifics really matter much to him, or if it’s simply our character and our relationship with Him that he cares about. Certainly I think the latter are more important eternally, but doesn’t his plan for us include the details like where we live and what job we have? So how do we figure out what he wants?
I guess a little background information is in order here. Last summer, my husband accepted a job in South Korea as an English teacher, having recently finished his Master’s degree in English and with no apparent job prospects in Canada. We were both certain that this opportunity was the right thing for our family, and God confirmed it by working all the details out amazingly well so that we could come here with our kids with a minimum of hassle. His boss is wonderful, and he has really enjoyed the teaching. I, on the other hand, have felt lonely and isolated at home with the kids, so we decided fairly soon after our arrival that although I could stick it out for a year here, we wouldn’t want to stay longer than that – it just wouldn’t be the best thing for me or the kids.
And so began the job hunt for Fall 2007. With no success. The pickings were slim to start with, as most Universities require a PhD for their teachers, and public schools want a BEd…with only his Master’s he is sort of stuck in no-man’s land. But even though he applied for a dozen or so jobs, he didn’t get a single promising response back.
Then on Sunday his uncle emailed us, describing an opening for a high school English teacher at the international Christian school in Nicaragua, where he works. A. applied, and immediately received an email from the director with a long list of questions and a request to have an interview this week. That interview was this morning, and all went well…but we are all going to take a week or so to think and pray about it before making a definite decision. All of this happened so suddenly, that our minds are still reeling just thinking about it.
There are a lot of good things about this opportunity…a great teaching job for A., the chance to be near relatives, a strong English-speaking community and church/school family (something we are really missing here in Korea!), etc. But there are some major obstacles, too, like the fact that we would need to raise a lot of financial support ourselves as this is a missionary school and cannot provide a full salary. Oh, and did I mention I’m pregnant? Due mid-September? Yep, I am. So the prospect of arriving in a new country 7+ months pregnant and delivering the baby in a foreign hospital is…stressful, to say the least. And they would like us to make a 3-year commitment – which seems like a lot at this point in our lives.
The other option A. is considering is a 1-year BEd program at UBC. A BEd would open up all kinds of jobs for him, and although things would be tough for that year with little to no income and a new baby, it might be worth it in the long run. He applied about a month ago but hasn’t heard back if he’s accepted or not…and until he knows, it’s really tough to make the decision to accept another job. We feel like we’re flying blind, here, and really need God’s direction and guidance in choosing the right path.
So what does God’s direction look like in a situation like this? How do we know what he wants us to do? We haven’t felt any kind of specific “calling” to Nicaragua…it was just an opportunity that came out of nowhere and we pursued it to see where it led. And honestly, if it were completely up to me and I could do whatever I wanted, I would choose to go home, job or no job. But that’s probably just the homesickness talking. I want to be able to pray “Thy will be done” and really mean it, to be open to doing whatever God wants us to do even if it isn’t what I want. So I have to consider not going home. But this is really hard. The verses that talk about God leading us are so vague…I long for something more concrete and obvious! And how do we balance out making decisions based on logic and what little wisdom and common sense we have, with making decisions based on faith and believing that God can do the impossible? At this point either choice would be a step of faith for God’s provision, but the move to Nicaragua would be the bigger leap. But is it so big as to be unwise? Where do we draw the line?
I don’t have any answers yet, just questions. And a few verses of Scripture to cling to:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
“Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21
“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
How have you determined God’s specific will in your life circumstances? Can we ever know for sure that we are doing the right thing?
As I mentioned earlier this week, I have been reading through the book of John. The other day I came to John 17, the prayer of Jesus, and I realized that Jesus’ desires for us believers, as expressed in his prayer, give us a lot of clues about his definition of a “rich and satisfying” life. I want to share with you some of the things that stuck out to me.
The things Jesus says he wants for us are:
- That we KNOW God, and his son Jesus Christ, thereby gaining eternal life (vs.3)
- That Jesus reveals God’s truth to us, and we keep his word and act on it by having greater faith (vs.6-8)
- That we bring glory to God (vs.10)
- That we are protected by God from the evil one (vs.11-12, 15)
- That we hear from Jesus and are filled with joy as a result (vs.13)
- That we are set apart from the world and made holy by the truth (vs.16-17)
- That we are taught the Word and grow in our understanding of it (vs.17)
- That we are sent into the world just as Jesus was, on a mission to sacrifice ourselves in order to save others (vs.18-19)
- That we are perfectly united with God and with one another, and have an effective witness in the world as a result (vs.21-23)
- That we are WITH Jesus and see all his glory (vs. 24)
- That we carry God’s love in us (26)
What I had to conclude from this list is that it is the fulfilllment of these things in my life, Jesus’ deepest desires for me, that will truly make my life rich and satisfying. All those externals that I worry so much about - my circumstances, possessions, family, friends, health, career, and personal happiness – none of those are mentioned, because they are not ultimately satisfying. Nor are they necessary for any of the above to occur – in fact, the spiritual growth and witness that Jesus desires may flourish best in difficulty. Yes, God often blesses us with many of our wants, too, but if we look to them for satisfaction in life they will disappoint us. We are to “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” (Matt.6:33)
But does the lack of some of those things we want detract from the ultimate satisfaction we are supposed to find in fulfilling Jesus’ desires for our lives? Ideally it shouldn’t, but it does if we let it – which is very hard not to do. I am often guilty of focusing on what I don’t have on the current list of what I think would make me happy, than what I do have on the list of what God says is ultimately satisfying. When I don’t get what I want, I may not feel “happy”….but if I pray for God’s perspective on the matter, I know that he is using the lack of whatever-it-is for his own purposes, and I can find more meaningful satisfaction in the knowledge that he is at work in me, molding me to His image, using me to accomplish his work in the world even though I may not understand how, than I could in actually having whatever-it-is. It takes a lot of effort not to listen to my feelings but to listen instead to God’s truth and what He says about my life. To believe by faith that I do have an abundant life through Jesus, even when I don’t feel like it.
Maybe the problem is that, having ”grown up a Christian”, I don’t appreciate enough the depth of meaning and purpose that Jesus always gives to my life, especially in difficult times and when faced with not getting what I want. Compared to an non-believer, I have so much hope, because I know that it is all leading somewhere, that there is a reason this or that is not happening for me and that in the eternal perspective it is going to be for the best. I mustn’t take for granted my knowledge that “God has a wonderful plan for my life” – that truly is an awesome gift.
“…My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” John 10:10
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28
Lately I have been struggling with the meaning of these verses. God promises us a rich and satisfying life (others versions translate it “full” or “abundant”) in which everything works together for our good. So what exactly does that kind of life look like?
I can tell you what I think it should look like for me. A stable, long-term and fulfilling career for my husband. Joyfully obedient children. A nice home in a good area of town, in the same province (or even country! I’ll take the same country!) as my parents and in-laws. Close friendships with other women who really understand me and have time to hang out with me. Being debt-free – or at least being able to see some light at the end of the debt-paying tunnel. Fighting less with my husband. A fruitful ministry in my local church. A sense of meaning and purpose in my life.
In short, Happiness. Comfort. Fulfillment.
But in the past 6 months, since we arrived in South Korea for a 1-year job opportunity for my husband, the glaring lack of these kinds of circumstances has forced me to re-examine God’s promises to us as Christians and what they really mean. I have always known that God never promises us happiness here on earth – in fact he gurantees that we will face all kinds of “trials and sorrows” (John 16:33). But if we aren’t necessarily “happy”, how do we define that “rich and satisfying” life? What makes a life rich and satisfying?
As I am reading about Jesus’ life in the book of John, I search for the answer to this question. But I have to tell you, it makes me very uneasy. Jesus had no “home” – he was always travelling from place to place. During his public ministry his family thought he had gone off the deep end. His closest friends and disciples were always just a step away from leaving him. He had no stable income, no earthly security of any kind, but depended on others to feed and shelter him. He was constantly questioned, tested, gossiped about, followed…he hardly ever had a moment’s peace. And, of, course, he was betrayed and deserted by his own disciples, died a torturous death, and to all the world appeared a failure.
So this is where the rubber meets the road. I say I want to be more like Jesus. I pray for God to change me and make me more like him. And I believe that as I grow in my Christian walk my life will become more ”rich and satisfying”. But if my life circumstances turn out like Jesus’…will I be able to rejoice? Or even just be content? Or accept it at all without turning away? Honestly, I am not sure. It scares me. My own desires for my life are so strong, and my own ideas of what would be good for me and what I would find satisfying are so entrenched, that I don’t know how to give them up.
Can life really be rich and satisfying if we don’t ever get any of the things we want?
I should probably clarify that this is mostly a theoretical question. I have been blessed in many, many ways – my husband, my children, my Christian parents, my friends, my health, the daily provision of food, clothing and shelter, etc – and I appreciate everything that God has given me. But many times I still feel dissatisfied with life, and I find myself praying for my wants instead of God’s will – or praying for what I want and hoping that will be God’s will. I try to be thankful, but for as many things as I am thankful there are just as many I feel are lacking.
In the last few weeks, however, as my husband and I have struggled with planning the rest of this year, I have felt God calling me to a deeper surrender. If none of my dreams or plans for the future ever come to fruition, will I still be content in him? Will I be joyful? Will I follow him no matter where he leads me? Will I give up all my needs and wants and hopes and plans, and pour out my life in service to him…like Jesus did? Will I let him teach me what a rich and satisfying life is found in surrendering everything to him?
I hope I will soon get to the place where I can answer yes wholeheartedly. At this point, I want to, but in my heart I am still “counting the cost”. (Luke 14:25-33) I pray that God will increase my faith and reveal to me the secret of being content in him, regardless of my circumstances. Have you discovered that secret (Philippians 4:11-12)?
